


I Feel Most Selfish

by Katitty



Series: Toothbrush [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 07:25:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katitty/pseuds/Katitty
Summary: I'm selfish.





	I Feel Most Selfish

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Malec Trash Squad](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Malec+Trash+Squad).



> Beta'd by Cyra!

Part 2

**I Feel Most Selfish**

  
I feel happiest when I feel my parabatai's contentment. When I feel his heart beating softly next to mine, and I know he's here, in the loft. When he's relaxed and calm and oh so happy. His emotions almost pass as mine in those moments. I claim them as mine. I'm selfish.

\--

I feel bravest when I feel the slick, hard texture of an arrow slide throughout my fingers - his fingers - followed by the grainy feathers that still make my skin crawl. The faintest hint of worn out leather drifts past my nose as I slash my seraph blade at the enemy and I know Alec is there, firing off shot after shot. Always on target. Always protecting me. When I know my big brother is there, as more than my parabatai, to make sure I'm safe as well as to fight along side me.

The feeling courses through me like a drug, and I crave it like an unloved puppy. I force myself to be cocky about it, thought I know I'd be dead if he wasn't there. I want the praise and attention that winning gets me. I know he wants it too. I'm selfish.

\---

I feel kindest when he's sad. When his shoulders are at his knees and I can feel his mind fraying at the edges. When his body sags and I know, I know deep down in our soul, that our mother has scorned him for my mistakes - Izzy's mistakes. When he sulks around the institute all day, and climbs into my bed at night. When I let his tears wet my cheeks and his body shake against my arms, because I know I put him there. I hold him because I want him to know that I love him. I feel kind, despite my rotten behaviour, despite the fact that I won't tell our parents that I was the one who wronged them, because he snuggles against me and tells me he's sorry. I feel kind because I'll tell him it's okay, it's not his fault, they'll forgive him.

For my mistakes.

I'm selfish.

\---

I feel most trusting when I smell Alec's shampoo drift through the air. Izzy's shampoo, really. They share.

When the scent whips off her hair as she puts her weight behind a kick. When she chuckles softly, darkly, as the demon flies backwards, away from my blind spot, and I wonder what being her parabatai would be like. When she mutters to herself, algorithms and codes, she's smart and I'm safe here with her.

When I think of Alec, while watching her finish off the last demon, and she has his smile. Of course I'm safe here. She's his sister. His sister that I stole from him.

I stole his whole family.

I'm selfish.

\---

 

**Author's Note:**

> Follow Cyra on
> 
> Twitter @magnvsicent  
> AO3 bisexualmagnus


End file.
